Bucket List

I have been think a bit about things that I want to accomplish. I decided I wanted to put them down on paper and look at them once a month to remind myself of all that there is to work and live for. At times in this health struggle it feels hard to grasp onto things that are in the future and I think this will help. Keep in mind that these lists are obviously personal and that these are just things that are important to me. Some of these are really small goals that are easy to accomplish and some are larger more lifetime goals. I broke the list down into sections. I am also including things that have been on my bucket list for a long time and have accomplished. I am not sure if I will accomplish all of them or just a few but I put down everything I have wanted. Dream big.

Travel: 
Visit Nashville
Travel by Myself
Visit Los Angeles
Visit All 50 States
Go to Europe
Shop in NYC
Visit Boston
Visit Australia
Go on a Cruise
Go on a Disney Cruise
Fly First Class
See the Eiffel Tower
Visit the Greek Islands
Stay in a Monorail Resort at Disney World
Visit London
Go on a Vacation with my Friends
Visit Ireland
Go to Bora Bora
Visit 6 Continents

Learning:
Learn to Sew
Learn to Ride a Bike
Learn to Drive
Learn Sign Language
Learn a new String Instrument
Learn to Record my Own Music
Learn to Paint

YouTube:
Go to VidCon
Sing on the Main Stage at VidCon
Sing on the Main Stage at Playlist Live
Have 10,000 Subscribers (next milestone)
Have 1,000,000 Total Views
Upload a Video Every Day for 365 Days
Go to Summer In The City
Collab with a YouTuber I Love

Music:
Put out an Album
Have a Single/CD Go Gold
Have a Single/CD Go Platinum
Go on Tour
Win an Award
Be Nominated for a Grammy
Change someone's life with my music
Have a Crowd Sing my Song Back to Me
Start a Band
Open for Someone I Look Up To

Fashion/Beauty:
Have all of my clothes fit how I want
Be able to walk well in heels
Go to a Betsey Johnson Fashion Show
Own a pair of Loubouton Shoes
Own something Chanel
Have perfectly organized makeup
Perfectly Organize my Closet
Shop on Rodeo Drive
Own a Betsey Johnson Dress
Buy a pair of Cowboy Boots

Other:
Buy a House
Hug Rachel in Person
Pay Off My Parent's House
Buy Final Cut Pro X
Buy a Car
Go to School for Music Production
Be Out of Pain
Get my Tattoo
Get another hole in my ear
Fill an Entire Mac Palette
Have my own Merch
Own a MacBook Pro
Own an iMac
Own a White Gibson SG
Go to Bonnaroo
Be a Vegan for a Year
Take myself out for a nice meal
Eat at Umami Burger
Be able to support myself as a musician
Update this list at least once a year

I'm Okay, But.... || Another Health Update

Well, today was no fun. In the spirit of being honest, today really, really sucked. A lot. If you read yesterday's post, my plan was to play video games, watch Netflix and hope I feel better hour by hour. Ha. It was a nice dream.

It started with a fully sleepless night. Too much pain to sleep. My mom called the doctor first thing to ask about the trouble breathing. I was expecting her to say it was nothing, maybe have me come into the office for a w=quick check but I wasn't expecting much. She sent me to the ER. Right away. I'm not going to lie, I cried a lot this morning. Being in a lot of pain, sleep deprived, not being able to breathe well, running a fever and being scared does not lend to a great emotional state.

My mom and I headed to the ER. The wait wasn't too long. Turns out when you are 4 days post-op with a 102 fever and trouble breathing you skip most of the line. Silver lining, I guess? Right from the start the nurse was incredible nice which I appreciated so much. Stressful situations can be made all too stressful based on who you are dealing with. He listened to my chest, then the doctor listened to my chest, then the doctor said he didn't think it was a blood clot in my lung and my mom started crying. Apparently that's what my doctor thought it was. No one told me that, probably for the best. But my blood pressure was really low, I still had the fever and the breathing problems and it was just the start of the day. They wanted to run blood tests and also get me on IV fluids. Would have rather had IV iced tea but apparently that isn't an option. Get on that, science.

Here's the fun part. I have hard veins on a normal day. I had really bad veins today. I also hate needles more than I hate neon eye liner, and I really hate neon eye liner. The first person came in. 2 tries in 2 different arms and still no IV, he went to get the nurse. 2 more sticks in my right arm, no IV. Also worse than the sticks are after the needle is in and they are fishing around trying to find the vein. Not so nice. But then they got something that made my tech geek heart really happy. It was this giant thing that reflected a green laser onto my arm and SHOWED WHERE THE VEIN WAS INSIDE MY ARM. WHAT EVEN? They finally got the IV in. I get fluids which was nice. I also got some pain meds that broke the pain for the first time in days, that was really nice. Also made me sleepy.

It was about here where they took me for chest X-rays. There is still nothing stranger to me than being transported in the hospital. I left the room, got X-rays and came back, all without ever standing, most while laying down. They did the X-rays in my hospital bed. With the iv pain meds they didn't want to risk me falling.

We are going to skip ahead because I'm tired and on top of normal pain, my arms both hurt from being under assault today. No blood clot. Yay! Partly collapsed lung. Not so yay, but also not a big deal. I have to breathe into this thing and I'll be okay. The issue here is I'm competitive and want to beat how high i blew the thingy last time and I have to be careful and make sure I don't pass out.

They put me on stronger pain meds which is good because it was really hurting a lot. I'm planning on sleeping and resting tomorrow. Hopefully I don't end up back at the hospital, that would be nice.

On a funny note, every single person at the hospital that heard how much surgery I had done did a double take and looked actually dumbfounded that I was sent home that day.

Same. lol.

I'm going to rest. I guess I'll just keep posting updates as I have them. Hopefully no more days like this will happen. At least I'm okay :)

Health: An Update

Hello everyone! I would first like to start by thanking everyone for how well my last post was received. In only a week's time it has become the most read post I have ever put up on this blog. It was extremely hard for me to write and took a lot to put something that personal out there and the kind words I have received have meant a lot. If you haven't read my last post, you may want to before continuing because otherwise you may be very confused.

I had surgery bright and early Thursday morning. My biggest fear was another surgery where I woke up and they told me that they didn't know what was wrong and that they had done nothing. When I first woke up from surgery I was still pretty groggy. I couldn't see straight and everything hurt. There was a nurse next to me and I asked, in what I can only assume was barely english, if they took the ovary out? She told me that they had. I started crying. She came over concerned to calm me down and I quickly told her they were "happy tears" and then I fell back asleep. A while later I woke back up and was allowed to see my parents. When they came in I found out that they had also taken my appendix out. They also told me that they had found I have Endometriosis. I don't want to go into a ton of detail on that, you can look it up if you are interested, but it is very painful. They removed as much as possible and cauterized a ton of it. My ovary was also attached to my bowel, there were a ton of adhesions that had to be taken apart and lots and lots of scar tissue that was removed. They also did a D&C of the uterus. They did not take the fibroid tumor out. Because it is most likely not causing any problems and is small they opted not to because it would have resulted in a much longer and more painful surgery.

A lot was done so recovery is slow, but they are all good things. For the first time in years I have hope of getting my life back. It will be a slow road, and I know that, but I am willing to do anything I need to get there.

As far as an update on where I am in recovery this is a good little summary I put on Facebook for friends and family. Making progress for sure. I am still in a lot of pain, have to keep reminding myself just how much stuff they did and removed. The pain from the gas they put in seems to be gone, just back to dealing with the shoulder pain left from the accident. I'm having trouble breathing but I'm fairly sure that's just pain related. Also I've been running a low grade fever but we've talked to the doctor and they think it is just a pain response because apparently they gave me a lot of antibiotics during surgery. Not working this week because the doctor told me not to. Look at me being good and listening. I think today I am going to play video games and watch Netflix because how many times in my life am I actually going to be able to say that it's doctors orders. 

I think that is everything. Oh, I guess I should share the thing I am doing for myself. As some of you may or may not know, there isn't a lot I love more in the world than Disney. I haven't been able to go to Disney World without a wheelchair since I was 13.  Obviously, pending on seeing how my pain levels are after I'm healed up from surgery, I am planning a 3 day trip for my mom and I to go to Disney. Just her and I...and no wheelchair. I'm hoping to be able to do it and get there before the Epcot Garden Festival is over but we will see. I have to make sure I don't push myself too hard too fast.

My fight isn't over just because this surgery is. If this is something people are interested in following along with I may see how I feel about turning this into a weekly or monthly series. Or it may be just occasional update when I feel there is something to update on.

Thank you again for all the kindness.

A Few Words About Health

I know I have been away from here for a while and I am very sorry about that. There has been some craziness in my life. Later this week a post will be going up talking about something that happened and the effect it has had on me but for now I need to have a bit of a serious chat with you guys.

As some of you will know, I have some health problems and have for many years. It isn't something I talk about much because it is hard for me but I think it is time. I am also planning on putting out a video on this subject this week. The reason I am talking about this now is because I am having surgery on Thursday. This isn't my first surgery. It will actually be my 3rd in the past 4 years. Each previous surgery has offered hope of relief and answers but has failed to have that outcome. I am feeling hopeful about this time. Measures that are being taken this surgery are more drastic, but it's time and for the best.

Some of what I am going to be talking about next will most likely overlap with my video, but seeing as different people read my blog than watch my videos I thought it was important to include. This is also something very hard in my life and very personal so it would be appreciated that if you feel the urge to say anything negative you take a second to understand that.

This story starts December of my freshman year of high school. It was December 29th to be exact. I guess you never forget the day that changes everything. I woke up with a pain in my lower left side. I had previously had some blood work come back off so we knew there was a chance of there being cysts on my ovaries. The pain wasn't too severe so my parents and I decided to schedule an appointment with my doctor for about a week later. By New Years Eve the pain was so severe that I was curled up in a ball on the floor crying. We knew at this point we couldn't wait for my doctor. We spent all New Years Day in the Emergency Room. They did see some cysts but didn't feel it was the cause of the pain. They didn't know what the cause of the pain was. They sent me home with no answers. School was starting from winter break on 1/3. Over the few days since I had been at the ER the pain got worse and was unbearable. It was the worst pain I had ever had and could even imagine. Looking back now the pain level that I live with every day at this point makes that pain seem like nothing. That Monday morning I was in too much pain to go to school and my mom and I went back to the ER. The cysts had grown an incredible amount and there were 4 times as many. They told me to schedule an appointment with an Endocrinologist.

It took 3 weeks to get an appointment. I was unable to go to school in the mean time. I didn't know at the time I never would end up being able to go back to school. It came time for my appointment. They didn't know what was wrong, I was sent to another doctor. This has happened a lot. I see a doctor, they run a lot of tests, they say sorry and that they don't have any answers for me then they send me to someone else. Repeat. Again....and again....and again. I've lost count of how many doctors I have seen but I do know it is well over 10.

I had to finish high school online. I lost all of my friends because I wasn't in school. I was lonely, in severe pain every day and no one knew why. Emotionally that is very draining.

I don't mean for this whole story to come off so sad. I'm not a sad person. I am thankful for everything I have had in life, it is just that I've been through a lot.

In effort to save time and also because recalling so much of this in detail is quite upsetting to me I am going to skip forward.

It is 4 and a half years later. We still don't know what is causing all of the pain. I made it through high school on my own. I'm still fighting for my dreams. I'm always fighting to not let this overtake my entire life. I do live every day in pain. I do have limitations as much as I hate more than anything that I have to say that. I try to stay strong, I'm lucky to have a fantastic family around me to keep me strong.

On Thursday I am having surgery. They are supposed to be taking out my left ovary. We don't know if this will fix the pain. I have never hoped harder for anything in my life than for the pain to get better when they take it out. During my preop testing they also found a fibroid tumor on my uterus. They will be removing that during surgery as well. Apparently this could be causing some pain.

The reason I am talking about this all now is because I know I am not the only one going through chronic pain and health problems. Going through things like this can feel really lonely and like no one understands. If I can show one person that they aren't alone and that there are people that understand, this is worth it. Please don't think I did this for any stupid attention or sympathy. That is not ever what I want.

I am also posting this to explain why there will not be blog posts, covers or videos for a little while. I will be on social media a lot during this time since I'll be stuck home in bed so you can always reach me there.

Please never forget to be thankful for your health. You take it for granted until you don't have it anymore.

I hope you are all having a great weekend. I am. I got new makeup brushes today. Keeping a positive attitude is important and you can find good in any day. If I didn't do that, I would have nothing.

Thank you or reading. If you don't mind keeping me in your thoughts or sending healing vibes Thursday it would mean the world to me. Thanks.

Always keep smiling. Don't let anything take away your happiness.