The last month has been a lot of soul searching. I came home from Orlando devastated but motivated. As some of you may know, I tend to make plans to grasp for control of life when it feels like the rest of life is out of control, which it certainly has been. I made a lot of plans. Then I replanned my plans. Then I made more lists. Then I threw them out and started over again. I've gone through more notebooks than anyone could imagine.
I have so much love for the family and friends who have reached out to me as all of this has been going on. I'm sorry I haven't been the best with communication recently, it's just hard to talk to people when it feels like you have nothing good to say. I've spent my entire life striving to be as positive as humanly possible. Choosing happiness in the face of adverse situations was always the way I lived my life. I stopped talking to people because the facts of life made me seem like a negative person.
It became so painful for well meaning loved ones to ask me what is new, genuinely wanting to know and wanting to be there for me, and to have nothing but awful things to tell them. So I stopped answering my phone. I stopped replying to texts. None of this had anything to do with the person on the other side of the phone. I just didn't want to be a source of negativity for anyone else. It's hard enough to push through hard times, it's worse to feel like you are dragging your loved ones through them with you. I felt like I was an anchor. I was sinking and I didn't want to drag anyone I cared about down with me. I know every single person on the planet has their struggles and that there is always someone dealing with situations far worse than my own, but I have to admit, the last year felt about as bad as I could ever imagine.
Most people know the basics of what has gone down but with the exception of those closest to me, I haven't shared a lot of detail. I wasn't ready.
I have spent the past decade building an audience and a career based on being completely honest and vulnerable online and for the last 11 months that became the last thing in the world I wanted to do. The truth is my life changed forever. I will never be the same person that people used to care about reading or watching. I was so afraid of opening up and shattering the image I spent the last 9 years building that I didn't share when I got signed to my dream company for YouTube and Blog representation. The old me would have been shouting that from the rooftops.
I kept sitting down, filming videos and not posting them. To be honest I don't even know why. I completely gave up on music. I resigned to the fact that because I couldn't play instruments anymore that my future in music was done forever.
I got my dream job, moved out of my childhood home into an apartment only to find out not even 48 hours later that because of my arms (a medical condition that was the result of medical negligence and malpractice), that I couldn't do the job and had to move out and back home in less than 24 hours.
I took everything Disney related out of my room. If you know me you understand how empty that made my room. On that note, my room didn't feel like my room anymore. Actually, as of today I have been home a month and haven't unpacked yet. I've been living out of boxes because I think deep down it didn't feel real if I didn't unpack.
Today I am unpacking.
Today I am blogging again.
Today I am picking up my guitar again, even if I can only play one note and then lose use of my hands.
Today I am taking control of my health in every. single. way. I am done waiting for doctors to find the magic cure for the problem they caused. I am tired of putting my life on hold while I wait for a fix.
Today I am going to film a video. I don't know what video it is going to be but I'm going to film it. Hey, maybe I'll finally talk about the movie I was in because through all this I never even did that.
Today I am going to throw myself back into my businesses that I honestly love so much.
Today I'm enrolling in school to get a degree in business.
Today I am going to finally learn how to use the amazing new piece of equipment that I saved up for months to buy to make new products for my shop.
Today I am going to try to remember to do basic things like eat, drink water, sleep for more than an hour and a half at a time.
Today I am going to text my friends back.
Today I am going to accept that just because my life is wildly different than it was a year ago at this time that it isn't any less of a full life.
Today I am going to make sure my mom knows how much I love her. Mom, I know you are going to be reading this, thank you for everything. I never would have made it through any of this without you. You are my rock and a constant source of strength in ways I can't even put into words. Thank you for believing in me when no one else did, including myself.
Today I am finally going to be open and update everyone on how things really have been.
I'm going to be honest, all of this is so overwhelming and I don't know where to start. Maybe I'll start by trying to find my TV. Funny story, we have so many computer monitors in our house from my work, my dads office, etc that I haven't been able to find my TV in my own house. I'm convinced it's gone. Oh well, life goes on.
I think I am going to start by rearranging my room for some change, unpacking and organizing all of my inventory, equipment and workspace for my shops. Maybe I'll even take a few steps to work on launching my ultimate business goal (although I need to keep saving up to really do that but hey, I can dream).
I can't imagine anyone is still reading. This wasn't even a blog post, it was a diary entry. This was me pouring my heart out in hopes of that allowing me to start healing. It's what I need to do. It's what my dad would want. It's what I want.
If you don't mind, I think I'll start blogging again and write about all of this. It's so cathartic and it gives me an outlet without having to call someone up and pour my heart out. I can organize my thoughts and try to figure out my next steps in life. Right now I know my next step, coffee.
