The Aftermath of Death, Paralyzation and My Whole World Shattering

The last month has been a lot of soul searching. I came home from Orlando devastated but motivated. As some of you may know, I tend to make plans to grasp for control of life when it feels like the rest of life is out of control, which it certainly has been. I made a lot of plans. Then I replanned my plans. Then I made more lists. Then I threw them out and started over again. I've gone through more notebooks than anyone could imagine.

I have so much love for the family and friends who have reached out to me as all of this has been going on. I'm sorry I haven't been the best with communication recently, it's just hard to talk to people when it feels like you have nothing good to say. I've spent my entire life striving to be as positive as humanly possible. Choosing happiness in the face of adverse situations was always the way I lived my life. I stopped talking to people because the facts of life made me seem like a negative person.

It became so painful for well meaning loved ones to ask me what is new, genuinely wanting to know and wanting to be there for me, and to have nothing but awful things to tell them. So I stopped answering my phone. I stopped replying to texts. None of this had anything to do with the person on the other side of the phone. I just didn't want to be a source of negativity for anyone else. It's hard enough to push through hard times, it's worse to feel like you are dragging your loved ones through them with you. I felt like I was an anchor. I was sinking and I didn't want to drag anyone I cared about down with me. I know every single person on the planet has their struggles and that there is always someone dealing with situations far worse than my own, but I have to admit, the last year felt about as bad as I could ever imagine.

Most people know the basics of what has gone down but with the exception of those closest to me, I haven't shared a lot of detail. I wasn't ready.

I have spent the past decade building an audience and a career based on being completely honest and vulnerable online and for the last 11 months that became the last thing in the world I wanted to do. The truth is my life changed forever. I will never be the same person that people used to care about reading or watching. I was so afraid of opening up and shattering the image I spent the last 9 years building that I didn't share when I got signed to my dream company for YouTube and Blog representation. The old me would have been shouting that from the rooftops.

I kept sitting down, filming videos and not posting them. To be honest I don't even know why. I completely gave up on music. I resigned to the fact that because I couldn't play instruments anymore that my future in music was done forever.

I got my dream job, moved out of my childhood home into an apartment only to find out not even 48 hours later that because of my arms (a medical condition that was the result of medical negligence and malpractice), that I couldn't do the job and had to move out and back home in less than 24 hours.

I took everything Disney related out of my room. If you know me you understand how empty that made my room. On that note, my room didn't feel like my room anymore. Actually, as of today I have been home a month and haven't unpacked yet. I've been living out of boxes because I think deep down it didn't feel real if I didn't unpack.

Today I am unpacking.

Today I am blogging again.

Today I am picking up my guitar again, even if I can only play one note and then lose use of my hands.

Today I am taking control of my health in every. single. way. I am done waiting for doctors to find the magic cure for the problem they caused. I am tired of putting my life on hold while I wait for a fix.

Today I am going to film a video. I don't know what video it is going to be but I'm going to film it. Hey, maybe I'll finally talk about the movie I was in because through all this I never even did that.

Today I am going to throw myself back into my businesses that I honestly love so much.

Today I'm enrolling in school to get a degree in business.

Today I am going to finally learn how to use the amazing new piece of equipment that I saved up for months to buy to make new products for my shop.

Today I am going to try to remember to do basic things like eat, drink water, sleep for more than an hour and a half at a time.

Today I am going to text my friends back.

Today I am going to accept that just because my life is wildly different than it was a year ago at this time that it isn't any less of a full life.

Today I am going to make sure my mom knows how much I love her. Mom, I know you are going to be reading this, thank you for everything. I never would have made it through any of this without you. You are my rock and a constant source of strength in ways I can't even put into words. Thank you for believing in me when no one else did, including myself.

Today I am finally going to be open and update everyone on how things really have been.

I'm going to be honest, all of this is so overwhelming and I don't know where to start. Maybe I'll start by trying to find my TV. Funny story, we have so many computer monitors in our house from my work, my dads office, etc that I haven't been able to find my TV in my own house. I'm convinced it's gone. Oh well, life goes on.

I think I am going to start by rearranging my room for some change, unpacking and organizing all of my inventory, equipment and workspace for my shops. Maybe I'll even take a few steps to work on launching my ultimate business goal (although I need to keep saving up to really do that but hey, I can dream).

I can't imagine anyone is still reading. This wasn't even a blog post, it was a diary entry. This was me pouring my heart out in hopes of that allowing me to start healing. It's what I need to do. It's what my dad would want. It's what I want.

If you don't mind, I think I'll start blogging again and write about all of this. It's so cathartic and it gives me an outlet without having to call someone up and pour my heart out. I can organize my thoughts and try to figure out my next steps in life. Right now I know my next step, coffee.

YouTubers Shine At Grammy Awards

It is no secret that the YouTube community has been fast growing in the world of entertainment. With best selling books from content creators like Connor Franta and Tyler Oakley, Billboard charting albums from Pentatonix and Troye Sivan and TV appearances from Grace Helbig, it seemed like only a matter of time before YouTube worked its way into every aspect of entertainment. This was never more evident than at last night's Grammy awards. There were YouTubers reporting on the Red Carpet, YouTubers performing on stage with music legends, YouTubers nominated for and winning Grammy awards, YouTubers being shown in commercials during the break. There was no shortage of Internet Content Creators showcased at the Grammys last night. Let's talk about 5 of the most amazing moments. 

1. Tyler Oakley Reports Live on the Red Carpet for CBS

If you, like many of us, were tuned into the Red Carpet Grammy PreShow on CBS, you saw none other than YouTube's own Tyler Oakley on the carpet interviewing some of the biggest names in music and entertainment. If he wasn't hugging and trading compliments with James Corden, he was interviewing fellow YouTuber Conner Franta on being inducted into the Grammy Recording Academy. Tyler killed it interviewing but we can only hope that next year he will finally get the coveted interview with Lady Gaga. 

2. Lilly Singh's A Trip To Unicorn Island Commercial 

YouTube viewers all around the world lost their minds on Twitter when they saw none other than Superwoman, Lilly Singh, on their TV's in the middle of the Grammy's. There was an amazing ad for her documentary, A Trip To Unicorn Island, that is now showing on YouTube Red. 

3. Pentatonix Sings With Stevie Wonder

A Capella Superstars Pentatonic took the Grammy stage with none other than music legend Stevie Wonder. They sang That's The Way of the World, a beautiful tribute to Maurice White of Earth Wind and Fire who recently passed away. 

4. Tori Kelly Stuns The World With Amazing Vocal Performance 

YouTube's own Tori Kelly was nominated for Best New Artist at the Grammy's and while she didn't win the award, she did 100 times better. Tori took the stage with James Bay and performed a breathtaking mashup of their songs. Both longtime fans and people who hadn't heard of her were blown away and social media couldn't stop talking about how amazing she was. It is easy to imagine that Tori has lots of Grammy moments in her future. 

5. Pentatonix Take Home Another Award

Last year PTX won their first Grammy. It was exciting and the internet freaked out. This year on top of performing with a true music legend and announcing an award, they took home another Grammy! They won for best arrangement, instrumental or a cappella for "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy." 

Clearly Internet stars killed it at an award show that only years ago, we only could have dreamed of having YouTubers included in. It's so amazing to see mainstream media welcoming new media into their world. It will be amazing to see even more of this in the future. 

Playlist for Single People | Valentines Day 2016

Well hello again! As we all know, Sunday is Valentines Day. People in relationships are making plans to spend the day with their sweetheart but what about the rest of us? A lot of people fall into a trap where they take Valentines Day as a reason to be sad about not being in a relationship. Why do that to yourself? There is plenty of love in your life that comes from many sources besides romantic relationships, celebrate those! Take this time to be thankful for family, friends and other loved ones. Maybe even get some other single friends together and have a party! Valentines Day doesn't have to be sad and lonely if you aren't dating someone and I've put together a playlist to help you celebrate being a strong, single person this Valentines Day! This is a fun mix of upbeat anthems for single folks mixed with some more sentimental, slower songs because let's be honest, it's completely normal to think back on past heartbreaks on Valentines Day, the key is balancing that with positive music too!

New Romantics - Taylor Swift

Should've Been Us - Tori Kelly

Somebody To You - The Vamps ft. Demi Lovato

Together - Selah Sue ft. Childish Gambino

You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette

Single Ladies - Beyonce

Independent Women - Destiny's Child

Wannabe - Spice Girls

Ex-Girlfriend - No Doubt 

Single - Natasha Bedingfield 

I Don't Need A Man - Pussycat Dolls

Dancing On My Own - Robyn

All That Matters - Kesha

Me & My Girls - Selena Gomez

Really Don't Care - Demi Lovato ft. Cher Lloyd

Break Your Heart Right Back - Ariana Grande ft. Childish Gambino

Sugar, We're Goin Down - Fall Out Boy

Be Alone - Paramore

Love Yourself - Justin Bieber

Love Me Like You - Little Mix

What songs are on your Valentines Day Playlist? What are your Valentines Day plans? I'd love to hear, let me know in the comments. Happy Valentines Day! 

My Skincare Routine | 2016 Update

Well hello there! In the last few months I have been dedicated to finding what works best for my skin and I think I have finally figured it out. I realized that sometimes you have to spend a little more on your skin, but it is completely worth it.

I have been using this face wash for over a year. I love it because it is gentle enough on my skin that it doesn't make it red, but it still exfoliates it. This is the Olay Fresh Effects Out Of This Swirled Cleanser. I use it in the morning and at night to take off my makeup and it never has made my skin feel over exfoliated.

The next thing that I use is the Liz Earle Instant Boost Tonic Spritzer. I am out of this right now and I miss it so much. I've already put in an order for a new one. What's great is that it lasts a really long time and a little goes a long way. 

After the Tonic Spritzer I go on to my serum. I've tried a lot over the years but this is the one that my skin seems to like the best. It is the Go Away Gloomy Serum.  This is a sample size and I have been using it for over a month now. It's another thing where it is a little bit more of an investment up front, but it lasts a long time.

Two times a week I use a face mask and this has been my favorite. It is the Palmetto Derma Rejuvenating Antioxidant Mask. This was sent to me many months ago. The first time I tried it, I honestly didn't like it. Since then I have fallen in love with it. I finished that container and bought myself another one. It leaves my skin so soft and feeling really clean as well. I use this after my cleanser, but before my serum and moisturizer.

The final step is my moisturizer. My all time favorite is the Clinique Moisture Serge Gel Moisturizer. Recently I have been using a different one that I think is better for my skin this time of year. This is Previse Hydromilk. For the sake of complete honesty, the first time I used this, it broke my skin out so horribly I swore I would never use it again. My skin does that a lot with products. No matter how great it is, it doesn't like it the first time. 

A little goes a long way in the terms of moisture. I find that it is best to warm this up with your fingers a little bit before you apply it and then make sure not to concentrate too much of it in one specific spot. 

I have found that for my skin, less is more. The more new products that I introduce, the more likely my skin is to freak out. These have been my favorites for a while now and I imagine I'll be sticking with them for a while. 

2015 Favorites

We are almost a week into 2016 and it doesn't seem right to end out posts from 2015 without talking about my favorite products so, without any further ado, here are my top products of 2015!

Skincare:

Liz Earle Instant Boost Skin Tonic Spritzer

Clinique Moisture Surge Extended Thirst Relief

Olay Out Of This Swirled Deep Pore Clean Plus Exfoliating Scrub

Olay Professional Pro-X Advanced Cleansing System

Makeup:

Doucce Punk Volumizer Mascara 

Ulta Demi Matte Foundation

Laura Geller The Real Deal Concealer 

Laura Geller Bronze and Brighten Foundation

Clinique Quickliner for Eyes Intense 

Bodyography Eyebrow Trio and Brush 

Urban Decay Naked 3 Palette 

Hikari Lip Gloss in Merlot

Model Co Blush in Peach Bellini 

Tarte Park Avenue Princess Bronzer 

Rimmel Kate 107 Lipstick

There are so many more that I could keep this list going for days but I think that this is a good sampling of products that I was loving for the whole year. What were some of your 2015 favorites? Let me know in the comments and I would love to try them out! 

Clinique "Case Of The Pretties" Palette Review

Happy New Year! I hope 2016 is off to an amazing start for all of you. I could not be more excited about the year to come. This is going to be a very exciting year for me and for my content on this blog and everywhere else you can find me on the internet. I am excited to be starting out the 2016 posts on this blog with a review of a product that I absolutely love! I received the Clinique Case of the Pretties Palette as a birthday/Christmas gift and instantly fell in love. Clinique is one of my favorite brands for skincare and I have loved any makeup that I had tried from them in the past and this palette was no exception.

This palette includes 2 blushes, 7 eye shadows and 4 lip colors. It comes in a compact case with a large mirror that makes it perfect for travel.

As you can see, I have gotten a chance to use the products a few times already so that I can give a full, honest review of them.

All of the eyeshadows are incredibly pigmented. They are all creamy and have an amazing color payoff and almost no fallout. I also love that there are enough different colors that compliment each other that you can create multiple eye looks from this palette alone. (Swatches start from the top right corner of shadows and move to the left)

My personal favorite is the larger, highlight shade. It is a beautiful, warm tone, champagne color. It had a nice shimmer to it without being full of glitter. I think it could even work beautifully as a highlight for your cheekbones if you like a bright highlighter.

The palette also includes 4 lip colors. There is a completely matte, true red lipstick. Two more classic, glossy finish lipsticks in a beautiful deep nude color and a warm berry color. The final color is a sheer, shimmery nude that looks like a gloss on the lips. These are easiest to apply with a lip brush.

The final products in the palette are 2 cheek colors. Both colors fall into the mauve family. The top color is a much lighter color that leaves a beautiful flush of pink color on the cheeks and still looks very natural. The bottom color is darker and a perfect color for the winter. It is very pigmented so you need to make sure that you are using it lightly in order to get the most natural color.

Overall, I think this is one of the most impressive "multi purpose" palette that I own. You could take this on a trip with you and be totally set with eye shadow, lip color and blush. It is amazing to have a product where you have all of those options and all of them are amazing quality products.

The Clinique Case of the Pretties Palette was limited edition for the holidays but I highly recommend getting your hands on one if there is any way.