Losing Yourself

For a few months now I have felt like I lost my inspiration. This has hit me especially hard in regards to my music. The unstoppable drive that I have always had just has seemed to be lacking. I truly am not one for self pity. I gloss over traumatic things that happen to me and pretend that everything is completely fine but the truth of it is, the last few months have been excruciatingly hard.  In giving myself a moment to acknowledge this I have realized that the issue isn't that I have lost my inspiration, I have lost a piece of myself. And that's okay. 

I am a firm believer that you have to let pieces of yourself go to make room for new ones. Sometimes pieces are yanked from you. It can be from anything like losing the ability to play an instrument in a car accident to losing a family member. All of these things shape you into the person that you are supposed to be. We, as humans, are never finished. We are a constantly evolving mashup of every event and influence in our lives. 

So yes, I lost a piece of myself, but I also found a new one. I lost my job, I ended up writing a book that is going to really help people. I grew apart from friends, I found other that understand and support my passions. I stopped playing guitar, I found my love for production. I lost a family member, I grew closer with others. 

Those things don't make the bad things go away, but they make them easier to accept. Behind every seemingly horrific event is the strength that is going to pick you up and pull you through. The last few months have been hard. The next few months will be better. 

I spent some time this week turning the fact that I haven't felt well enough to get out of bed into a positive. I watched marathons of interviews of the people that inspire me. I spent sleepless nights finding new undiscovered artists that reignited a love for music that had dulled. I am reinspired in a way that I previously could have only dreamed of. 

Obstacles are always going to be here. Bad times will always find away to break apart my happy reality. But I will know that as broken as I feel and as many pieces as my heart is in, that it will be put back together with a force that is to be reckoned with and the person that I will be on the other side will be a strong person with a new outlook on everything in my life. 

Inspiration is like a flame. It is going to flicker. There will be things that come along that make it so big that it becomes scary. It may even go out. The thing to remember is that there are lighters everywhere. Your lighter could be someone you love. It could be a piece of art that speaks to you. 

Things don't last forever, good or bad. I am not the same person that I was a year ago and that is okay. I won't be the same person I am now in a year and that is okay. If I ever look back on a year and think "wow, I am exactly the same as I was then," that is when I will start to worry. 

I am sorry if this makes no sense to some people, I have just had a lot of thoughts in my head for a while and it boiled over tonight. I was inspired to write again. 

Everyday Makeup Staples

Hi guys! Today I wanted to share with you some of the items that I use to do my makeup every day. If you would like to see a tutorial of how I do my makeup, let me know in the comments!

First, I start with a primer. Right now I am using the Smashbox Photo Finish Primer. It is amazing! It makes a fantastic base for my makeup and smooths out everything. It also helps my makeup stay all day even through lots of filming or a gig.

Next I go in with concealer and cover any blemishes on my face that day. I recently started using a higher end concealer for the first time and it is worth every cent. It truly covers everything and you don't feel or see it. I use the Laura Geller Real Deal Serious Coverage Concealer in Medium. When it says serious coverage, it isn't kidding. It is fantastic and last all day without creasing. 

The next thing that I do is put on my foundation. I switch between a few but most recently I have been using one more than any others. I use the Maybelline New York Dream Fresh BB Cream in Medium. It gives good coverage while still being light enough for the hot, summer weather. 

In the last few months I have fallen in love with bronzer. I'm going to let you in on a secret, I don't go outside a whole lot. That means that I almost never have a tan and bronzer is a great way to give myself a healthy glow. Recently I have been loving the Model Co bronzer in Shimmer. 

Next up, blush! I have been loving the Hikari blush in Tango for the last few months. Sometimes I have been skipping blush or using my Model Co blush, but most days I reach for this! It is a bright pink color and a little goes a long way.

I never used to fill in my eye brows. I have very thick eye brows naturally and I just never saw the need. I recently found a product that I have fallen completely in love with! The Bodyography Brow Trio lets me fill in my brows perfectly. I use that and the Bodyography Pro Dual ended Brow Brush and my brows come out perfectly!

I never leave the house without eyeliner. I may have no other makeup on, but I always have black eyeliner in my waterline and tight line. I have recently been loving the Mica Beauty Gel Eyeliner with a very thin eyeliner brush.

I use different Mascara all the time but the one I am using right now is something fairly new to me which is the MDM Greater Than Mascara. It is good. Not an all time favorite, but certainly good enough! 

I have been using the Urban Decay Naked 3 palette for years now. Before that I used the Naked 2. I now want to try the Naked Smoky. I love Urban Decay eye products.

I love dark lip colors. The Ulta Matte Lip Cream in Stirring is what I have been wearing almost every day.  It isn't expensive especially if you check for sales which always seem to be happening at Ulta. 

In a normal day I may wear any combination of these products or all of them if something important is going on that day, or if I just feel like spending a while doing my makeup.

What are some products that you can't live without? Let me know, I am always looking to try something new! 

Chasing Your Dreams || Motivational Monday

It's official, I leave for California tomorrow! I am so excited! Last year I had an amazing time and learned so much, I can't image how much better it will be this year. Also, my mom and one of my best friends are both coming with me which is going to make it even more fun.

For those of you who do not know, I am going to California for VidCon. I have the amazing chance to play a set and also be a part of the first Mentorship program at VidCon. I am getting to work with 3 amazing YouTubers and het their advice and feedback on a huge project I have been secretly working on.

This has had me thinking a lot about my dreams and what I have sacrificed for them over the years. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a singer. I remember telling people in kindergarten that when I grew up I was going to be a singer. It is something that has always been in my heart. When I was little it was "cute." When I was in middle school I "needed to set my eye on something realistic." When I was in high school and opening for international pop stars and being signed to contracts on YouTube suddenly everyone had "always believed in me!" It isn't easy to pick a path that is different from the norm and you will most likely get a lot of pushback from people but if it is what you love and you have a true passion for it and are willing to work hard, go for it!

I have always thought that if I worked to try to make music work until 25, that still gave me plenty of time to work everything out if things did not go as well for me as I hoped. There is this huge pressure put on us so early to have everything figured out. I remember sitting in therapy at 14 crying my eyes out because I didn't have my whole future planned out yet and that meant that I was going to fail. I'm 19 now and realize how crazy that was.

No one has everything figured out and if they say they do, they are either lying to you or themselves. As it turns out, music has gone pretty well for me and it is worth all of the sacrifices and "well meaning realistic opinions" of others that I have dealt with but even if I had fallen flat on my face with music, I wouldn't regret the time and effort that I put into it.

I am working incredibly hard for my dreams every single day and that in itself is something to be proud of for the rest of my life. I will never have to look back on my life and think "What would have happened if I had just given it a shot? Could I have made it?" I won't have that regret because I am doing it.

I encourage everyone to take a dream of theres, be it big or small, and go for it! You would be surprised what you can accomplish if you are willing to put the work in and stretch a little outside your comfort zone. It can have a truly beautiful result.

Getting Organized || Motivational Monday

One of the hardest things for me while also being one of the things that drives me the craziest when it isn't done, is organization. In some aspects of my life I am so organized it is ridiculous. I can find anything on my computer in less than 10 seconds and there are 1,000 gigs on my hard drive. My room, on the other hand, looks like a tornado went through it and I have been looking for a dvd in here for over a week. I have been taking steps towards organization through all parts of my life recently and there has been one thing that has been helping me with that.

I am using a planner. Now, I have always used planners but this is the first time I have used a planner like this and put this much time into my planner and it is resulting in it being much more useful for me. I use it a lot to plan out my filming and upload schedule as well as my everyday tasks and work schedule.

The planner that I use is the Happy Planner. I LOVE it. It is perfect for what I need and I love that I can take pages in and out of it. This is the exact planner that I use.

Any planners I have used in the past have a horizontal layout with a few lines for each day. While it did work, that layout was just never ideal for me. There are three boxes for each day. They are labeled for morning, afternoon and evening. I'm sure this is great for people who have schedules that are crazy and have lots of meetings or appointments. I use washi tape to make my own labels. Currently since I have a lot of filming and writing to do in advance since I leave for LA so soon my labels are YouTube, Blog and Other. Typically I only use half of my blog box so I will write any overflow things from my other box in there in a different color ink. This is what the layout looks like. 

I also decorate my planner to make it a little more fun. If you would be interested in seeing a Plan With Me post, let me know! I think that could be a lot of fun to share how I am using this to truly organize my life! 

Summer Bucket List

I don't know about where you live, but where I live, it is summer. The high today was 93 and if that doesn't say Summer I don't know what does. This got me thinking about what I wanted to do this summer. I was inspired by eleventhgorgeous from their Summer Bucket List video. Some of these things are small and some are big. I know I may not do them all, but I am excited to try.

~ Get my room set up exactly how I want it
          I started redoing my room a year ago this weekend. It still is not done. I want to get it finished before I go to California. That gives me about 56 days. This is going to be one of my top priorities. I spend a lot of time in my room and I deserve to have it be a good place for me.

~ Organize my closet
          My closet is a wreck. It is in dire need of a reorganization. There literally isn't anything else to say, it's just a mess.

~ Go to the beach
          I am not normally a beach person but I went a few weeks ago with a friend of mine and had a great time. I want to push myself to leave my comfort zone more this summer and one way is going to be by going to the beach.

~ Try the Vegan Asian restaurant I have been dying to go to
          To be honest I probably will not be doing anything that involves spending any money until after my LA trip. I haven't been working as much as I would like and want to make sure I have enough set aside to not have to worry about going over my budget. When I get back, however, I have wanted to try this new restaurant in my town that is Vegan and Gluten Free. I'll let you guys know how it is!

~ Take a week and have a Staycation
          I am lucky enough to live in a beautiful town. I really want to take some time and explore it in a way that I would if I was here on vacation.

~ Hang my TV
          I bought a wall mount for my tv. I think I bought it 6 months ago. Oops. I want to hang it.

~ Organize and get rid of Makeup
          Once upon a time I had my makeup perfectly organized. That is not the case anymore. I want to get back to this. I feel like things in my room are kind of out

~ Set up planner
          If you can't sense it, there is a theme. I really just want to get my life together this summer. I love planners and they help me keep everything organized.

~ Go to Disney
          I love Disney. I think most of you will know that I love Disney. I have an annual pass, but it has blackout dates. 6/5-the beginning of August. I either have to go in the next 2 weeks or wait until August. We will see if I get there.

~ Stay on top of my upload schedule
          We all know this is an issue. Let's move on.

I think I am going to leave it here. There are other things but these are the most important to me. What is on your Summer Bucket List? Let me know in the comments! I will see you guys tomorrow!

Bucket List

I have been think a bit about things that I want to accomplish. I decided I wanted to put them down on paper and look at them once a month to remind myself of all that there is to work and live for. At times in this health struggle it feels hard to grasp onto things that are in the future and I think this will help. Keep in mind that these lists are obviously personal and that these are just things that are important to me. Some of these are really small goals that are easy to accomplish and some are larger more lifetime goals. I broke the list down into sections. I am also including things that have been on my bucket list for a long time and have accomplished. I am not sure if I will accomplish all of them or just a few but I put down everything I have wanted. Dream big.

Travel: 
Visit Nashville
Travel by Myself
Visit Los Angeles
Visit All 50 States
Go to Europe
Shop in NYC
Visit Boston
Visit Australia
Go on a Cruise
Go on a Disney Cruise
Fly First Class
See the Eiffel Tower
Visit the Greek Islands
Stay in a Monorail Resort at Disney World
Visit London
Go on a Vacation with my Friends
Visit Ireland
Go to Bora Bora
Visit 6 Continents

Learning:
Learn to Sew
Learn to Ride a Bike
Learn to Drive
Learn Sign Language
Learn a new String Instrument
Learn to Record my Own Music
Learn to Paint

YouTube:
Go to VidCon
Sing on the Main Stage at VidCon
Sing on the Main Stage at Playlist Live
Have 10,000 Subscribers (next milestone)
Have 1,000,000 Total Views
Upload a Video Every Day for 365 Days
Go to Summer In The City
Collab with a YouTuber I Love

Music:
Put out an Album
Have a Single/CD Go Gold
Have a Single/CD Go Platinum
Go on Tour
Win an Award
Be Nominated for a Grammy
Change someone's life with my music
Have a Crowd Sing my Song Back to Me
Start a Band
Open for Someone I Look Up To

Fashion/Beauty:
Have all of my clothes fit how I want
Be able to walk well in heels
Go to a Betsey Johnson Fashion Show
Own a pair of Loubouton Shoes
Own something Chanel
Have perfectly organized makeup
Perfectly Organize my Closet
Shop on Rodeo Drive
Own a Betsey Johnson Dress
Buy a pair of Cowboy Boots

Other:
Buy a House
Hug Rachel in Person
Pay Off My Parent's House
Buy Final Cut Pro X
Buy a Car
Go to School for Music Production
Be Out of Pain
Get my Tattoo
Get another hole in my ear
Fill an Entire Mac Palette
Have my own Merch
Own a MacBook Pro
Own an iMac
Own a White Gibson SG
Go to Bonnaroo
Be a Vegan for a Year
Take myself out for a nice meal
Eat at Umami Burger
Be able to support myself as a musician
Update this list at least once a year

I'm Okay, But.... || Another Health Update

Well, today was no fun. In the spirit of being honest, today really, really sucked. A lot. If you read yesterday's post, my plan was to play video games, watch Netflix and hope I feel better hour by hour. Ha. It was a nice dream.

It started with a fully sleepless night. Too much pain to sleep. My mom called the doctor first thing to ask about the trouble breathing. I was expecting her to say it was nothing, maybe have me come into the office for a w=quick check but I wasn't expecting much. She sent me to the ER. Right away. I'm not going to lie, I cried a lot this morning. Being in a lot of pain, sleep deprived, not being able to breathe well, running a fever and being scared does not lend to a great emotional state.

My mom and I headed to the ER. The wait wasn't too long. Turns out when you are 4 days post-op with a 102 fever and trouble breathing you skip most of the line. Silver lining, I guess? Right from the start the nurse was incredible nice which I appreciated so much. Stressful situations can be made all too stressful based on who you are dealing with. He listened to my chest, then the doctor listened to my chest, then the doctor said he didn't think it was a blood clot in my lung and my mom started crying. Apparently that's what my doctor thought it was. No one told me that, probably for the best. But my blood pressure was really low, I still had the fever and the breathing problems and it was just the start of the day. They wanted to run blood tests and also get me on IV fluids. Would have rather had IV iced tea but apparently that isn't an option. Get on that, science.

Here's the fun part. I have hard veins on a normal day. I had really bad veins today. I also hate needles more than I hate neon eye liner, and I really hate neon eye liner. The first person came in. 2 tries in 2 different arms and still no IV, he went to get the nurse. 2 more sticks in my right arm, no IV. Also worse than the sticks are after the needle is in and they are fishing around trying to find the vein. Not so nice. But then they got something that made my tech geek heart really happy. It was this giant thing that reflected a green laser onto my arm and SHOWED WHERE THE VEIN WAS INSIDE MY ARM. WHAT EVEN? They finally got the IV in. I get fluids which was nice. I also got some pain meds that broke the pain for the first time in days, that was really nice. Also made me sleepy.

It was about here where they took me for chest X-rays. There is still nothing stranger to me than being transported in the hospital. I left the room, got X-rays and came back, all without ever standing, most while laying down. They did the X-rays in my hospital bed. With the iv pain meds they didn't want to risk me falling.

We are going to skip ahead because I'm tired and on top of normal pain, my arms both hurt from being under assault today. No blood clot. Yay! Partly collapsed lung. Not so yay, but also not a big deal. I have to breathe into this thing and I'll be okay. The issue here is I'm competitive and want to beat how high i blew the thingy last time and I have to be careful and make sure I don't pass out.

They put me on stronger pain meds which is good because it was really hurting a lot. I'm planning on sleeping and resting tomorrow. Hopefully I don't end up back at the hospital, that would be nice.

On a funny note, every single person at the hospital that heard how much surgery I had done did a double take and looked actually dumbfounded that I was sent home that day.

Same. lol.

I'm going to rest. I guess I'll just keep posting updates as I have them. Hopefully no more days like this will happen. At least I'm okay :)