Don't Take It For Granted | Health Updates

Hello everyone! I want to thank you all for the incredible feedback and love on my last post. If you haven't read it yet, this is it. It was a post on losing yourself and it was really important for me and a very therapeutic process to write it. Today I am back with another semi-serious post. A few months ago I talked about my long struggle with my health. I told you all about the history of what I had gone through and took you through the process of my most recent surgery. I never gave you all a final update on that surgery. Sadly, it wasn't successful.

As I talked about then, (which you can see in this post, this post and this post) they removed my left ovary, appendix and a massive amount of endometriosis. They also found a fibroid tumor that they didn't remove as it would have been a very long, very painful surgery to recover from. On top of that, I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Hashimoto's, both of which you can look up if you want to learn more about them. There are also still unknown problems. My greatest problem is excruciating, chronic pain. It is something I deal with all day, every single day.

My doctors are at a bit of a place of not knowing exactly what to do to help. This is what landed me at a pain management doctor. I fought this for as long as I could because I didn't want to have to feel that my only hope was to manage the pain, but not fix it. The doctor suggested nerve block injections under sedation. It was the last thing in the world that I wanted to do. It involves 10 inch needles being put into my back and threaded through to the front to inject medicine that helps block the nerve that sends pain signals to the brain. I was told upfront that there was a chance it wouldn't work.

I took a month to think about it. In that month my pain got worse and worse. It is not an exaggeration to say that it was common for me not to leave my house for days. On the days I did leave it wasn't for long and almost always ended with me coming home crying in pain or coming frighteningly close to passing out from pain level. I knew I couldn't keep living this way, so I decided to agree to the injections.

It was scheduled bright and early for Friday, November 6th at a surgery center in my town. I was terrified. Unlike surgery, this wasn't something I knew what to expect for. I had done a lot of research and had found that for most people with cases and pain like mine, the injections hadn't helped at all. I strongly considered calling to cancel the day before but I knew that if by some chance this was the magic thing that would help control my pain, and I skipped it, I wouldn't be able to deal with it, so I went.

In the 24 hours before the procedure I had more anxiety attacks than I ever have. I have severe anxiety to begin with and it was so trigger by the fear of the procedure and the fear of it not working that I wasn't able to manage it. My parents helped me manage, but it was a rough day.

The next morning after less than 3 hours of sleep, I was off to the surgery center. My dad was working so it was just my mom and I. It was less than a 5 minute ride to the center. When we parked the car my anxiety hit again. "I'm not going in." I must have said that 10 times. It was always my choice if I wanted to have them done, but I felt like I didn't really have a choice. That was my doctors suggested next step and no one else had anything else to offer.

I finally went inside. I knew I had to. I checked in and then sat in the waiting room. They called my name and it was time to go back. They told me my mom couldn't come back with me. Now, I am normally a pretty chill person but I came very close to tears and told them that if she wasn't going back, I wasn't either. After a minute, they let us both come back. They did all of the preop stuff and I did my best to stay calm. The nurse was from California and was a Disney fan so that helped. She was really nice and kept talking to me about Disney to keep me calm.

There was a pretty long wait. Lots of people came in to talk to me and then it was time to go in. They brought me into the procedure room and had me switch to the table and lay face down. By this point I was crying and having an anxiety attack. I kept trying to tell someone but every time I moved my head to tell them, they told me not to move. I was supposed to be asleep for the procedure. I don't remember this part, but the doctor told my mom. They gave me the medicine to sedate me and I began thrashing around. I almost fell off of the table. They thought I was in danger so they backed off the sedation. I was then awake. I felt them put in the local anesthetic. They then kept pushing Fentanyl but I was wide awake.

No one ever bothered to tell me what was going on or to explain why I was awake and could feel everything they were doing. I kept crying. They kept telling me not to move. Then it was over and they had me roll back onto the other bed so they could wheel me out. They gave me a bottle of water and some crackers and told me that my doctor would be here soon. My abdominal pain was still as bad but I was hoping it could take a few days to kick in. After about 20 minutes my doctor came in. She asked me if the pain felt any different. I said it didn't and asked if it should feel different already. She told me yes, but that it could take up to an hour. They brought my mom in and told me I could go home. I went home and had to accept that it didn't work. Again. I gave it another hour. It still didn't work.

Fast forward 2 days and here I am writing this. Unfortunately I now know for sure that it didn't work. It made my back hurt a lot and I am still recovering from that, but it should go away soon. I'm sad, but I am not giving up. I am planning on setting up a doctors appointment to talk about more drastic steps that we could take, including a hysterectomy. I am at a point where I really want my life back, even if that means a big step like that.

Do I wish it had worked? Yes. Do I still have hope that someday, something will? Yes. In medicine it is never over, I just have to wait until we find the right thing.

Losing Yourself

For a few months now I have felt like I lost my inspiration. This has hit me especially hard in regards to my music. The unstoppable drive that I have always had just has seemed to be lacking. I truly am not one for self pity. I gloss over traumatic things that happen to me and pretend that everything is completely fine but the truth of it is, the last few months have been excruciatingly hard.  In giving myself a moment to acknowledge this I have realized that the issue isn't that I have lost my inspiration, I have lost a piece of myself. And that's okay. 

I am a firm believer that you have to let pieces of yourself go to make room for new ones. Sometimes pieces are yanked from you. It can be from anything like losing the ability to play an instrument in a car accident to losing a family member. All of these things shape you into the person that you are supposed to be. We, as humans, are never finished. We are a constantly evolving mashup of every event and influence in our lives. 

So yes, I lost a piece of myself, but I also found a new one. I lost my job, I ended up writing a book that is going to really help people. I grew apart from friends, I found other that understand and support my passions. I stopped playing guitar, I found my love for production. I lost a family member, I grew closer with others. 

Those things don't make the bad things go away, but they make them easier to accept. Behind every seemingly horrific event is the strength that is going to pick you up and pull you through. The last few months have been hard. The next few months will be better. 

I spent some time this week turning the fact that I haven't felt well enough to get out of bed into a positive. I watched marathons of interviews of the people that inspire me. I spent sleepless nights finding new undiscovered artists that reignited a love for music that had dulled. I am reinspired in a way that I previously could have only dreamed of. 

Obstacles are always going to be here. Bad times will always find away to break apart my happy reality. But I will know that as broken as I feel and as many pieces as my heart is in, that it will be put back together with a force that is to be reckoned with and the person that I will be on the other side will be a strong person with a new outlook on everything in my life. 

Inspiration is like a flame. It is going to flicker. There will be things that come along that make it so big that it becomes scary. It may even go out. The thing to remember is that there are lighters everywhere. Your lighter could be someone you love. It could be a piece of art that speaks to you. 

Things don't last forever, good or bad. I am not the same person that I was a year ago and that is okay. I won't be the same person I am now in a year and that is okay. If I ever look back on a year and think "wow, I am exactly the same as I was then," that is when I will start to worry. 

I am sorry if this makes no sense to some people, I have just had a lot of thoughts in my head for a while and it boiled over tonight. I was inspired to write again. 

Everyday Makeup Staples

Hi guys! Today I wanted to share with you some of the items that I use to do my makeup every day. If you would like to see a tutorial of how I do my makeup, let me know in the comments!

First, I start with a primer. Right now I am using the Smashbox Photo Finish Primer. It is amazing! It makes a fantastic base for my makeup and smooths out everything. It also helps my makeup stay all day even through lots of filming or a gig.

Next I go in with concealer and cover any blemishes on my face that day. I recently started using a higher end concealer for the first time and it is worth every cent. It truly covers everything and you don't feel or see it. I use the Laura Geller Real Deal Serious Coverage Concealer in Medium. When it says serious coverage, it isn't kidding. It is fantastic and last all day without creasing. 

The next thing that I do is put on my foundation. I switch between a few but most recently I have been using one more than any others. I use the Maybelline New York Dream Fresh BB Cream in Medium. It gives good coverage while still being light enough for the hot, summer weather. 

In the last few months I have fallen in love with bronzer. I'm going to let you in on a secret, I don't go outside a whole lot. That means that I almost never have a tan and bronzer is a great way to give myself a healthy glow. Recently I have been loving the Model Co bronzer in Shimmer. 

Next up, blush! I have been loving the Hikari blush in Tango for the last few months. Sometimes I have been skipping blush or using my Model Co blush, but most days I reach for this! It is a bright pink color and a little goes a long way.

I never used to fill in my eye brows. I have very thick eye brows naturally and I just never saw the need. I recently found a product that I have fallen completely in love with! The Bodyography Brow Trio lets me fill in my brows perfectly. I use that and the Bodyography Pro Dual ended Brow Brush and my brows come out perfectly!

I never leave the house without eyeliner. I may have no other makeup on, but I always have black eyeliner in my waterline and tight line. I have recently been loving the Mica Beauty Gel Eyeliner with a very thin eyeliner brush.

I use different Mascara all the time but the one I am using right now is something fairly new to me which is the MDM Greater Than Mascara. It is good. Not an all time favorite, but certainly good enough! 

I have been using the Urban Decay Naked 3 palette for years now. Before that I used the Naked 2. I now want to try the Naked Smoky. I love Urban Decay eye products.

I love dark lip colors. The Ulta Matte Lip Cream in Stirring is what I have been wearing almost every day.  It isn't expensive especially if you check for sales which always seem to be happening at Ulta. 

In a normal day I may wear any combination of these products or all of them if something important is going on that day, or if I just feel like spending a while doing my makeup.

What are some products that you can't live without? Let me know, I am always looking to try something new! 

Chasing Your Dreams || Motivational Monday

It's official, I leave for California tomorrow! I am so excited! Last year I had an amazing time and learned so much, I can't image how much better it will be this year. Also, my mom and one of my best friends are both coming with me which is going to make it even more fun.

For those of you who do not know, I am going to California for VidCon. I have the amazing chance to play a set and also be a part of the first Mentorship program at VidCon. I am getting to work with 3 amazing YouTubers and het their advice and feedback on a huge project I have been secretly working on.

This has had me thinking a lot about my dreams and what I have sacrificed for them over the years. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a singer. I remember telling people in kindergarten that when I grew up I was going to be a singer. It is something that has always been in my heart. When I was little it was "cute." When I was in middle school I "needed to set my eye on something realistic." When I was in high school and opening for international pop stars and being signed to contracts on YouTube suddenly everyone had "always believed in me!" It isn't easy to pick a path that is different from the norm and you will most likely get a lot of pushback from people but if it is what you love and you have a true passion for it and are willing to work hard, go for it!

I have always thought that if I worked to try to make music work until 25, that still gave me plenty of time to work everything out if things did not go as well for me as I hoped. There is this huge pressure put on us so early to have everything figured out. I remember sitting in therapy at 14 crying my eyes out because I didn't have my whole future planned out yet and that meant that I was going to fail. I'm 19 now and realize how crazy that was.

No one has everything figured out and if they say they do, they are either lying to you or themselves. As it turns out, music has gone pretty well for me and it is worth all of the sacrifices and "well meaning realistic opinions" of others that I have dealt with but even if I had fallen flat on my face with music, I wouldn't regret the time and effort that I put into it.

I am working incredibly hard for my dreams every single day and that in itself is something to be proud of for the rest of my life. I will never have to look back on my life and think "What would have happened if I had just given it a shot? Could I have made it?" I won't have that regret because I am doing it.

I encourage everyone to take a dream of theres, be it big or small, and go for it! You would be surprised what you can accomplish if you are willing to put the work in and stretch a little outside your comfort zone. It can have a truly beautiful result.

Getting Organized || Motivational Monday

One of the hardest things for me while also being one of the things that drives me the craziest when it isn't done, is organization. In some aspects of my life I am so organized it is ridiculous. I can find anything on my computer in less than 10 seconds and there are 1,000 gigs on my hard drive. My room, on the other hand, looks like a tornado went through it and I have been looking for a dvd in here for over a week. I have been taking steps towards organization through all parts of my life recently and there has been one thing that has been helping me with that.

I am using a planner. Now, I have always used planners but this is the first time I have used a planner like this and put this much time into my planner and it is resulting in it being much more useful for me. I use it a lot to plan out my filming and upload schedule as well as my everyday tasks and work schedule.

The planner that I use is the Happy Planner. I LOVE it. It is perfect for what I need and I love that I can take pages in and out of it. This is the exact planner that I use.

Any planners I have used in the past have a horizontal layout with a few lines for each day. While it did work, that layout was just never ideal for me. There are three boxes for each day. They are labeled for morning, afternoon and evening. I'm sure this is great for people who have schedules that are crazy and have lots of meetings or appointments. I use washi tape to make my own labels. Currently since I have a lot of filming and writing to do in advance since I leave for LA so soon my labels are YouTube, Blog and Other. Typically I only use half of my blog box so I will write any overflow things from my other box in there in a different color ink. This is what the layout looks like. 

I also decorate my planner to make it a little more fun. If you would be interested in seeing a Plan With Me post, let me know! I think that could be a lot of fun to share how I am using this to truly organize my life! 

Summer Bucket List

I don't know about where you live, but where I live, it is summer. The high today was 93 and if that doesn't say Summer I don't know what does. This got me thinking about what I wanted to do this summer. I was inspired by eleventhgorgeous from their Summer Bucket List video. Some of these things are small and some are big. I know I may not do them all, but I am excited to try.

~ Get my room set up exactly how I want it
          I started redoing my room a year ago this weekend. It still is not done. I want to get it finished before I go to California. That gives me about 56 days. This is going to be one of my top priorities. I spend a lot of time in my room and I deserve to have it be a good place for me.

~ Organize my closet
          My closet is a wreck. It is in dire need of a reorganization. There literally isn't anything else to say, it's just a mess.

~ Go to the beach
          I am not normally a beach person but I went a few weeks ago with a friend of mine and had a great time. I want to push myself to leave my comfort zone more this summer and one way is going to be by going to the beach.

~ Try the Vegan Asian restaurant I have been dying to go to
          To be honest I probably will not be doing anything that involves spending any money until after my LA trip. I haven't been working as much as I would like and want to make sure I have enough set aside to not have to worry about going over my budget. When I get back, however, I have wanted to try this new restaurant in my town that is Vegan and Gluten Free. I'll let you guys know how it is!

~ Take a week and have a Staycation
          I am lucky enough to live in a beautiful town. I really want to take some time and explore it in a way that I would if I was here on vacation.

~ Hang my TV
          I bought a wall mount for my tv. I think I bought it 6 months ago. Oops. I want to hang it.

~ Organize and get rid of Makeup
          Once upon a time I had my makeup perfectly organized. That is not the case anymore. I want to get back to this. I feel like things in my room are kind of out

~ Set up planner
          If you can't sense it, there is a theme. I really just want to get my life together this summer. I love planners and they help me keep everything organized.

~ Go to Disney
          I love Disney. I think most of you will know that I love Disney. I have an annual pass, but it has blackout dates. 6/5-the beginning of August. I either have to go in the next 2 weeks or wait until August. We will see if I get there.

~ Stay on top of my upload schedule
          We all know this is an issue. Let's move on.

I think I am going to leave it here. There are other things but these are the most important to me. What is on your Summer Bucket List? Let me know in the comments! I will see you guys tomorrow!

Bucket List

I have been think a bit about things that I want to accomplish. I decided I wanted to put them down on paper and look at them once a month to remind myself of all that there is to work and live for. At times in this health struggle it feels hard to grasp onto things that are in the future and I think this will help. Keep in mind that these lists are obviously personal and that these are just things that are important to me. Some of these are really small goals that are easy to accomplish and some are larger more lifetime goals. I broke the list down into sections. I am also including things that have been on my bucket list for a long time and have accomplished. I am not sure if I will accomplish all of them or just a few but I put down everything I have wanted. Dream big.

Travel: 
Visit Nashville
Travel by Myself
Visit Los Angeles
Visit All 50 States
Go to Europe
Shop in NYC
Visit Boston
Visit Australia
Go on a Cruise
Go on a Disney Cruise
Fly First Class
See the Eiffel Tower
Visit the Greek Islands
Stay in a Monorail Resort at Disney World
Visit London
Go on a Vacation with my Friends
Visit Ireland
Go to Bora Bora
Visit 6 Continents

Learning:
Learn to Sew
Learn to Ride a Bike
Learn to Drive
Learn Sign Language
Learn a new String Instrument
Learn to Record my Own Music
Learn to Paint

YouTube:
Go to VidCon
Sing on the Main Stage at VidCon
Sing on the Main Stage at Playlist Live
Have 10,000 Subscribers (next milestone)
Have 1,000,000 Total Views
Upload a Video Every Day for 365 Days
Go to Summer In The City
Collab with a YouTuber I Love

Music:
Put out an Album
Have a Single/CD Go Gold
Have a Single/CD Go Platinum
Go on Tour
Win an Award
Be Nominated for a Grammy
Change someone's life with my music
Have a Crowd Sing my Song Back to Me
Start a Band
Open for Someone I Look Up To

Fashion/Beauty:
Have all of my clothes fit how I want
Be able to walk well in heels
Go to a Betsey Johnson Fashion Show
Own a pair of Loubouton Shoes
Own something Chanel
Have perfectly organized makeup
Perfectly Organize my Closet
Shop on Rodeo Drive
Own a Betsey Johnson Dress
Buy a pair of Cowboy Boots

Other:
Buy a House
Hug Rachel in Person
Pay Off My Parent's House
Buy Final Cut Pro X
Buy a Car
Go to School for Music Production
Be Out of Pain
Get my Tattoo
Get another hole in my ear
Fill an Entire Mac Palette
Have my own Merch
Own a MacBook Pro
Own an iMac
Own a White Gibson SG
Go to Bonnaroo
Be a Vegan for a Year
Take myself out for a nice meal
Eat at Umami Burger
Be able to support myself as a musician
Update this list at least once a year